Depression 101

Here I am, living in paradise, with a healthy body, good outlook on life and alone. Being alone is killing me. So much, that I thought of getting back with Mary even after all that she did. I've tried the bar scene, the online dating gimmick and friends. None of those have been of success plus I've developed a edge against being turned down again and again and women may sense this. My $$ is never enough to do what I want to to and most of the women I meet have much more money than I have and I expect they would like me to live at their money level and I always fear that and run away.
My depression is over whelming me to the point that I don 't want to leave the house, don't want to see people together. I know I can't do this but try my best. Yesterday I never opened the blinds so that it was dark all day long. Never done that before.
The problem with getting back with Mary is all the other people I would have to face after the fact. I can not move back to Boston, don't know if she could live here with her health conditions and all. Don't know what would happen with Dan and his and how would I act, would I go back to doing all for others and nothing for myself?
It's funny that the only women I seem to meet are those with history and drama. Bar maids, beach bum babes, women who have been around the block a few times. The upfront, nice going to church women scare me also that they would want to change me to their view. I am not in a good position. I cannot trust enough to find out if a women is worth the effort. I am lost.
My depression stops me from working with any art project I attempt to start. Just the littlest of a set back stops me from working, anything, just anything. I'd rather sit all day and play internet poker than try to use my brain in a creative event. Poker is mindless, I smoke pot, drink beer and play poker. All done within reach of paradise.