Now and Then Musings

Depression 101

2011-03-14T15:43:00.003-04:00

Here I am, living in paradise, with a healthy body, good outlook on life and alone. Being alone is killing me. So much, that I thought of getting back with Mary even after all that she did. I've tried the bar scene, the online dating gimmick and friends. None of those have been of success plus I've developed a edge against being turned down again and again and women may sense this. My $$ is never enough to do what I want to to and most of the women I meet have much more money than I have and I expect they would like me to live at their money level and I always fear that and run away.
My depression is over whelming me to the point that I don 't want to leave the house, don't want to see people together. I know I can't do this but try my best. Yesterday I never opened the blinds so that it was dark all day long. Never done that before.
The problem with getting back with Mary is all the other people I would have to face after the fact. I can not move back to Boston, don't know if she could live here with her health conditions and all. Don't know what would happen with Dan and his and how would I act, would I go back to doing all for others and nothing for myself?
It's funny that the only women I seem to meet are those with history and drama. Bar maids, beach bum babes, women who have been around the block a few times. The upfront, nice going to church women scare me also that they would want to change me to their view. I am not in a good position. I cannot trust enough to find out if a women is worth the effort. I am lost.
My depression stops me from working with any art project I attempt to start. Just the littlest of a set back stops me from working, anything, just anything. I'd rather sit all day and play internet poker than try to use my brain in a creative event. Poker is mindless, I smoke pot, drink beer and play poker. All done within reach of paradise.

Vagabond Club

2011-03-14T10:59:00.003-04:00

I was able to enjoy the comforts of the Vagabond Club in November 1969 while on my way to London. We arrived with a large group of folks in two cars. A very mixed group of people from all ove the world. The only notable event of our stay was getting asked to leave the next day because of complaints from the previous night of our smoking hashish in our rooms and being loud. My membership card # 17551 is still in my hand. Will alwalys be a wonder in my memory.

More useless info.....

2009-06-12T15:39:00.004-04:00

Wow, so long, so much to say. Dating services are a bust. Take money from you and thats it. Rip off to the heights. These folks who do these services are the "used car dealears" of this century. Nothing good and proper about them. They lie, cheat, say what ever it takes to take your money and run. Take advice and never, never, ever sign up for one of those. Your heart will hurt much more than before you joined, I know.

Otherwise all is well. Almost a year now and what a difference in so many things. My outlook on life is better and my health(fingers crossed) is going well. Ive gotten stronger as I can now swim where last year I could not. My left shoulder is a mess but seems to enjoy this warm weather and water. I got myself a DSLR. Have been waiting for one for a long time. Maybe my photos will get better.

Trying a different avenue

2009-02-26T14:29:00.004-05:00

I am about to do something I thought I would never, ever do. I joined a "Dating Service." I have always avoided these kinds of things, even going to "Singles" nights at bars was off my lists. Since I've been here in Florida I have tried to meet some women with little success. It's hard to gage a person when you only see them when they've had a few drinks, as you have had a few also. So, not much luck there. I guess this is better than those sex sites offered on the Web.
Do you remember the song that goes; "if you like Pina Coladas and walking in the rain, if your not into Yoga and have half a brain......" I guess that's what I am sort of looking for. I wonder if some women are looking for men who NEED to be taken care or they need to be taken care of themselves. I am not the former and do not want to later. I guess at least being part of this service will give me half a chance of meeting some quality women. I guess the quantity will lead to quality. I just hope I can afford it all, dates that is. Stay tuned for updates, happy ones.

"Dead Head Sticker...."

2008-10-27T19:48:00.005-04:00

You remember the song with the line,"Saw a Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac" and what that meant. Do you also remember the last two elections and that large block of voters who supported Bush and his raiders? The Christian Right was all over the last two elections. You could not think of the Republican Party without thinking of the Christian Right.
Now that our country has been brought to it's knees by the Bush "raiders policy" on the American way of life and that the Christian Right is ashamed of being a part of that destruction we do not hear much if anything from the Christian Right. Does this mean that they have disappeared from the political scene or are they laying low so not to be brought down with the Republican party? Most likely. One sign of their wanting to be related to Obama was a mini-van that was in front of me in traffic. On one side of the rear door was a Christian fish symbol and on the other side was a Obama support sticker. Is that an oxymoron? Maybe. Maybe not.

One of the problems I had during these last eight years was how Bush cozys up to the religious right, and that they truly do not live what the bible tells us to do. They wrap themselves in the name of Jesus but they have not read what he has to say. The slogan "What Would Jesus Do" was not used in the White House. When you are a member of a church and someone is "Talking the Talk but not Doing the Walk" you know it and try to come along side that person and give them the support they may need. When that same thing happens in the White House the later part of that saying is forgotten. It's all about perception. Most people believe what an important person like a President would tell us but few would follow through to see if it truly did get done.
Jesus says," Love your enemies as yourself" unless they attack you, then invade them. you get the idea. It has been done for centuries by people in power. From the Crusades to the Holocaust, the Bible has allowed people to kill other people for no reason other than it is for God. Every religion has this problem, it's not just a Christian problem but you would think it should NOT be a problem at all if all religious people do what their religions express. I know of no religion that has its main tenant of belief linked to the killing of others. None!

For me, this is just another example of the problems when religion gets involved in the politics of a country. We see the problems in country's like Iran, Afghanistan a few years ago, Iraq, after the invasion people who lived and worked with each other were now trying to kill each other because they were a different "sect" of the same religion. Sounds like Northern Ireland to me.

When George W Bush was elected it was like a prayer answered for the Christian Right. Which reminds me of what my pastor was fond of saying, "be careful of what you pray for, you just might get it."

Trans Generational?

2008-10-23T12:36:00.003-04:00

You know about the notion that our genes, that which makes us who we are, are not given to our own children but to their children. They skip one generation to show up in the next. It goes with looks, aptitude, attitude, disposition, etc. One of my traits I think I got from my mothers mother is cooking. My mother was a good cook but nothing like my Nona. She did magic without a wand. She was also resilient in her life. She was battered, she was poor, she lost most of her children, only 3 survived out of 8. I look on her life when I get into situations that are hard to bear and press on as she did. I was 18 when she died. It was the most painful experience I had had in my short life. It's helped me deal with many more.

With my own grand kids I noticed some of my own traits. My own son would never eat seafood, none what so ever. I love fried squid. Got the taste for it while I was living in Greece. My son would gag at the mention of fried squid. Not to long ago he and his family and I went to a restaurant that had fried squid. My son, of course, made a face but his oldest son, Daniel, age 8, wanted to know what it was and how it tasted. I ordered it and gave some to him and he liked it. Dan, his father, was appalled. I didn't push it any further and told Daniel that it was my only meal there and that next time we could share a plate. Well, his parents took him to that same restaurant and he ordered squid and ate the whole plate. In fact his younger brother, Zach, age 4 tasted it and also liked it. Trans genes.

I know that the above example is shallow but hopefully there is more of me there that can be seen now. I want to stay around to see it blossom. I've been able to show photos of their father and of me also, when we were small kids like them. They got a kick out of that. We were all children and that helps them understand more about what can happen in their lives with the correct help and support. They too will be grown people and they should understand that. This time frame is not all there is to their lives. Opens up possibilities!

The Trouble with Me

2008-10-23T11:15:00.004-04:00

I wanted to call this The Trouble with People but realized it's really about me and my lack of understanding of today's singles scene.

I just got out of a very unhappy relationship that lasted for 10 years. Before that I was raising my son and did not get out much. I dated, got laid once in awhile but for the most part was into my son and breaking the cycle of fathers walking away from their kids. In my case his mother did that. He grew and moved out and I was single but met my bad relationship shortly after. Sometimes I think that those ten years were my last best years of my life and that now I am on my way to nursing home and diapers. Since I got to Florida my opinion of that has changed. My health and my outlook on life has gotten better and I look forward to each day whereas when I was up north I had a hard time leaving my house.

Anyway, you go to a few bars, meet some women, they just want to drink, talk and go home alone. That's OK unless you get strung along for a few dates and then get lied to. It's OK if someone doesn't want to continue to see you but just don't fib. Maybe they think they are being nice to you by not hurting your feelings by not telling the truth. If a person wants to be with someone else, go do it and do it with confidence, don't sneak. The trouble with not being upfront with this is that a person can start to think it was something that they did or didn't do that caused the other person to lie, or not hurt their feelings. Lie's hurt and trust is painful so in the end a person will feel hurt anyway. Just be upfront in your dealing with probable friends and maybe you can stay that way.

So, if you got shot down a few times do not fret, get out there and continue to enjoy what you got and what your doing, things will work out when it's time for them to work out, no sooner, no later.

Not another 4 years!

2008-10-12T10:47:00.003-04:00

The more I watch the ads, the talking heads, the polls, the interviews the more I realize we need a change in our government.

One of the items that keeps coming up is Obama's race. People are still stuck on a persons race, color, religion in this 21st century. Hard to believe, right? There are always going to be people who keep to the old antiquated ideas that America is a white country of European roots. It was never intended to be that. Yes, our history has been tainted with the idea that only one race can be in power and that race was always white. Times have changed. Color should never be an issue in the world of today. We are just to close to other peoples of the world to put ourselves in a racial corner by our own choice. We would die. I believe that this election is the most important election in this countries history. This election will set the course of this country for the next 100 years. Thinking about that, could you really see more of George W in the white house? That's what we are being asked to do by the McCain staff. More of the same. What is it that would be the same you ask? Well, do you understand that the Republicans have allowed greedy, hungry wolves of human form to rob our lives right from under our feet. What they have done is equal to allowing the fox to watch over the hen house so that the hen's will be protected. In the morning all the hens were gone and the fox slept well.

Do you remember the old Soviet Union? That big bad country that wanted to destroy us by all means. Well, where is that country today. Dead. They, like ourselves, thought nothing could bring down their powerful nation but it happened. Can the same happen to us? Why not. We are the engine of the world and many people from other nations have become part of that engine. They have also invested billions in our economy at every level. From the corner store to the major bank on wall street we are dependant on investments from other countries to keep our system running. I remember a Michael Moore film that mentioned how much money the Saudis have invested in our nation and if they decided to take it all out at once our country's monetary system would collapse. That's just one nation that is invested in us. There are many other nations doing the same and they too can do the same with similar effect.

This election is about the people taking this nation back from the special interest that have sold us down the river for their own self satisfaction. There is only one place to lay the blame for what has been happening in our country and that is at George W Bush's feet. With deregulation of the banking and investment industries the signal was sent to come and plunder what can be plundered. It is about time that you and I were the focus of our nations government and not the special interests of washington. There plan did not work and we need a new plan. I cannot think why any one would not vote for the only change we have before us just because that person is not white. It troubles me. Four more years of this kind of government and there may be an exdous of americans to parts of the world where that will be called x-patriots, meaning one who loved their country but for reasons know to all have choosen to live outside of that nation. Pray this is not to be for, even thought I like to travel, I love my country and do not want to leave it to those who would destroy it and those are the Republicans.

Past Tense

2008-10-08T19:51:00.003-04:00

It is, or was, that time of the year that I would start getting ready for the winter season working outdoors. Columbus Day weekend was the time I would start to grow my beard for face protection during those cold windy days that bite at your face to a red raw montage.
I would be going thourgh my winter clothes, long underwear, thermal underware, wool socks, gloves, insulated boots, sweater, outcoat with liner and on and on it goes. It was never any fun as is brought to your mind what you were about to face for the next five months, if you were lucky. Having to do your job, even in a winter storm, was not the most enjoyable experience a person can have. Well, maybe a polar bear or ski ranger.

All of this, the above, came to my mind while I was watching another sparkling sun set off the North Jetty in Venice. People were fishing, going by in there sports boats or water motor ski. Everyone in shorts and shirt, eating supper while watching the sun set, chugging down a few cold ones. None of this would come to mind while I was getting ready for winter. Who could have thought there was a place in the world where all of this can happen? Not while you are waiting for the first snow of the year.

Yea, the economy is coming down on to our heads and we may not be able to do some of the things we would like to do. Even with that said, there is just a good feeling that we are in a place were you can, for at least an hour or two, forget what is going on and enjoy what is left what is offered for free. Life is truly good.

The Roach Clip.

2008-10-07T17:01:00.006-04:00

Do you remember the roach clip. That most of essential of tools for the enjoyment of locally grown pot. Back in the day there were more than just one type of clip for joints. There were feather ones, mirror ones, plain ordinary alligator clips, and anything your mind could come up with. Up in Boston the availability of such useful items were banned many a year ago, I guess they thought if tools of the trade were not available people would just stop smoking pot. I suspect these same law makers didn't read up on the Prohibition Era. No body drank then either.

A few weeks ago Dan and I went to a real live Head Shop of old days. Black light posters, water pipes, papers, brass pipes, incense, etc, etc. What, behold.....there were no roach clips. Upon inquiry I was told no one uses them except for the scissors type from hospitals. Of course, these are the clips that are used to clamp cut veins while doctors operate on people. Gross!

Guess what? I have taken it upon myself, at great costs to life and limb, to re-introduce the roach clip back to the arena of life after work. I just gotta find a way to get them out there into the public hands. You must understand these clips are each made by me and each is different, so I guess you can call them one of a kind. My production is not great, I've done 3 so far, kinda crude but nonetheless functionally adequate. Each clip is tested. So, if your interested contact me and we can work on the details.

Dancing, yea!

2008-10-04T10:46:00.003-04:00

I've realized, since I came to Florida, that not only is the weather cold up north but so are the people. I've gone to Sharkey's a few times now and every time there are great people who just want to talk, dance, drink and just enjoy themselves without any pre-conditions.
Last night there was a 15 minute line to get a drink because there was a radio station giving away a cruise for two. It was a mess of people. Could hardly stand in one place there were so many people. At 8 o'clock sharp the crowd dissipated nicely and all the regulars were on the floor dancing. I met a nice couple who hung out with me all night. I danced till my hearts content and then some. Later in the night a group of younger people were dancing and one of the women wiggled her finger at me to come and dance. It was real nice. I got too many compliments on my dancing, which makes me blush, but I enjoyed getting them anyway.
Meet another New England transplant. Seems they, or we, are everywhere.
All in all it was another good night of drink and dance. Of course, I went home alone, which seems to be my luck these days. At least I got a sound nights sleep, being alone and all. HAHA.

A Pleasant Evening

2008-10-02T22:03:00.002-04:00

Went to Sharkey's in Venice last Friday night. Went to see a band I like. Got a beer, the bar was full and so were all the tables. I went over near the dance floor against a pole. I was there a little while, noticed a women sitting across the floor on a bench at the base of a tree. I guess we looked at each other a few times, but not having my glasses on it was hard to tell. After a while two women came and stood near me. It seemed they were looking for a table. I caught a little of their conversation and made small talk. One women had a few tattoos and the other one I could see. A table became available and they asked me to sit with them and I did. We talked a bit. They also liked the band, in fact this band was the house band where one of the women worked. We ate squid and drank a few beers. I wanted to dance, I always want to dance but neither of them did. As the night went on we were able to advance our table until we were at the dance floor. After a little while some of my new friends friends arrived. We all introduced ourselves. I was sitting the closest to the dance floor when I saw the women who was sitting on that bench under the tree. She was dancing. Boy was she dancing. I watched and wanted to join her but am shy, of course. A few of the guys I just met egged me on knowing I was watching her. That did it. I made some kind of hand gesture to her sort of asking if I could join in. She acknowledge my gesture and we were dancing. It ended and she went her way and I mine. Within a minute or two a new song came up and she was out there again. No hesitation this time. It was like I've danced with this person before. We just blended. This time I asked if she was alone and if I could join her. We sat at the bar, talked, danced a lot more and hopefully enjoyed ourselves. Her name was Terry(Terrie) and of all places she just arrived from Mass. and bought a house in Venice. I asked if I could see her again. She was silent. After a while, and me asking again and again, she asked if I had a card. She's got it.
Form what she told me she is most likely very busy with the new house. I gave her a furniture store to go to where I got a good deal on a bedroom set.
I guess by now you know I hope she calls.

Autumn? Not anymore.

2008-10-01T20:16:00.003-04:00

10-1-2008. Autumn has come to parts of the country but not here. Today I was at the beach. The air temp was 86 and the water a frigid 82, oh my god. There was a slight breeze that picked up later in the day. The two or three previous days were overcast and rain laden so this day, being so sunny, was extra special. I understand that it gets down to the 50's at night in December thru February. Not every night but some. I can deal with that.

Now that I have left the northeast I cannot understand why anyone would want to live in the colder areas of the world. It just stinks. Most of the year the weather is not so nice, there is snow, lots of it in places like North Dakota but even Boston gets blasted every winter at least once. Everyone is on top of each other up there unless you live in the country side or burbs. Then you don't even know your neighbors or trust them. You shovel a parking space for yourself and someone comes along and takes it. You clear you driveway and then the city comes by and plows snow to block you from getting out. Buffalo New York. Why would anyone want to live THERE?

Life is life. But if it is nice outside ALL the time it just makes it a little easier to handle. Think about it.

Sept. 28, 2008

2008-09-28T15:15:00.000-04:00

My first blog entry. For a person with so much to say I find myself lost for words. Although, since I've moved to Nokomis I have been feeling just great.( I shouldn't say that cause now I'll get sick.) The North East just doesn't match with what can be found here in Florida's Gulf coast. The beach, the weather,( yea it gets hot but you got a beach that has water you can really get into for a long time, try that in Maine in mid July) the lifestyle, the open sky's. Oh yea, no high rise buildings crushing in on me making me walk with my shoulders hunched against the overwhelming feeling of being confined, of being just a little clog in a bigger clog. Don't get me wrong, there are days when it rains here but even then it's a warm rain.
The life at night is so far just great. I've been staying local mostly but Sarasota is just north and I found some friends in Englewood who I plan to visit soon. Tampa is 50+ miles away and I hear there is a nice casino there that offers No-limit Texas Hold-Em. I went to a Rays game against the Red Sox in Tampa. I had Lodge seats for $38. I parked for $10. My hot dog, beer and pretzel were $15. A total of $63 I saw the Red Sox!!! In Boston $63 gets me a bleacher seat. I love this place. I've made some friends. Will acknowledge it is not easy but I'm learning the ropes. Sorry, but the women down here are just so nicer that the women up north. They seem to care for themselves more, with the beach and all. They are more willing to talk to you at a bar or where ever which is good for me as I am a bit shy, surprise!
Housing!!!! When I was living in Malden I had a 1 bedroom with a small kitchen, small bathroom, living room. The cost with water and heat was $850 a month with a laundry down the hall. Here, I have a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, open area dining/living room, galley kitchen with counters, pantry with washer/dryer, dishwasher, all new appliances a one car garage and a pool. The cost with water and basic cable is $950 a month. I am 10 minutes from the beach by car, and 20 by bike. How does that sound to You?
Well, I guess I did have much to say. This is all new to me so stay tuned and we will both be surprised.